The Ute Award
The Australian Ute is the mullet of motors: slick sedan vibes up front, wild tradie party tray in the back. Born in the ‘30s when a farmer’s wife demanded a ride to haul pigs and look pious at church, Ford Australia birthed this bogan beauty.
It’s the vehicular lovechild of a Flatbed and a Sunday drive, ready to cart surfboards, sheep, or your mate’s dodgy couch across the outback without breaking a sweat. Most even come with a passenger airbag setting that turns off when your Sheela’s in the car and back on when you’re taking your mate to see the footy match.
This award goes to the vehicle that performed best down-under.
Winner: Aprilia
For whatever reason Aprilia were the roo on roids at Phillip Island. Marco Bezzecchi was leading the charge from the front looking even more at home as he destroyed the field in qualifying whilst harbouring a ‘new look’ mullet that impressed the locals.
‘Bezzo’ fair dinkum won the sprint race, that periodically bordered on exciting at times, from Raul Fernandez giving Aprilia a 1-2 – all without the help of their ‘Number One’ rider who is still out of action due to excessive teeth grinding.
If not for his double-long-lap penalty Bezzecchi would have probably won the main race too…as long as he didn’t remember he hated Alex Marquez as much as Marc.
The Meat on the BBQ Award
Aussies worship barbecues like it’s the eighth wonder of the world, where the grill is a nuclear reactor powered by fairy breadcrumbs and the eternal quest to turn a perfectly good ‘roo steak into a lump of coal that could power a V8 Supercar around the Bathurst 1000.
Nothing is more Australian than a bloke in budgie smugglers emerging from his esky den, tongs in one hand and a stubby of XXXX in the other, ready to declare war on raw prawns while shouting “She’ll be right!” as flames erupt like a seasonal bushfire.
Nothing bonds this nation of education-free primates like second-degree burns and a side of suspiciously chewy “mystery meat”…all washed down with enough beer to sedate a hippo.
This award goes to the best thing in Australia
Winner Raul Fernandez
Remember, a few years back, when Raul once fell off whilst leading a MotoGP race? If you do then you’ll also remember thinking “that’s the last time that poor git will ever get a chance to win a race”. But you were wrong…we all were wrong!
Resting Bitch Face Raul (RBFR) needed a fair few stars to align. Marquez had to be back out injured. Bagnaia had to be back on the GP25. Bez needed to have a double long lap penalty and it needed to be an ‘Aprilia track’. But the stars did align with a combined gravitational force that literally pulled and warped Raul’s sour face around Phillip Island at an unstoppable pace.
Whilst we’re remembering stuff – remember at the beginning of the season when the entire paddock and media were all furiously bumming Fernandez’s teammate Ai Ogura claiming he was the future of Aprilia? Since then Agura has smashed up himself and countless bikes in a bid to become a lot slower and overlooked.
Who’s laughing now? Probably Raul Fernandez if he could.
The Tofu on the BBQ Award
The typical Aussie bloke eyes tofu on the barbie like it’s a feral cat in a vegemite jar—utter betrayal of the sacred ritual. Tofu is what you feed the chooks when they’ve gone soft or yoga instructor hippies when they emerge from a retreat.
Real men grill meat that fights back – so expect, quite rightly, to have your head caved in somewhere outside Wogga Wogga should you ever be stupid enough to ask for synthetic meat option.
This award goes to the worst thing that could happen in Australia
Winner: Pecco Bagnaia
Bagnaia finished last in the sprint race in Phillip Island. As in ‘real’ last – not just last but in front of Chantra. Last last. Even behind Ducati’s test-chimp Michele Pirro who was shipped in to ride around on Marc Marquez’s bike whilst hopefully not embarrassing Pecco.
Bagnaia said after the disastrous sprint race that he would not finish last in the main race…then fell off. Which is kind of worse than last.
