British food – is it really that bad? Yes. But at least it’s not Polish.
So in honour of our Island’s amazing cuisine we at MGPN have highlighted some of the highlights and explained which MotoGP riders would benefit from shovelling a portion down their pie-hole.
Full English Breakfast
A hearty breakfast featuring bacon, sausage, eggs, baked beans, mushrooms, grilled tomatoes, and toast.
Us Brits know what’s good for us – and we choose to ignore it with our famed multi-faceted artery attack. The sausages can make or break the breakfast – they must contain the correct levels of mechanically separated hog anus to carry the rest of the elements.
But we must also give a shout out to the grilled tomatoes and mushrooms that skilfully play the “healthy” card while swimming in oil.
Who needs it? Pecco Bagnaia
The bearded Italian really needs to start his weekends stronger as usually by FP2 he’s already been defeated mentally by his Spanish Antichrist teammate and is sulking about his fuel tank size. Clearly Pecco’s usual light, camp breakfast isn’t cutting it and he needs to man up and start the day correctly with a huge plate of ‘UK tapas’.
Fish and Chips
Battered and fried fish served with thick-cut potato chips, often considered the national dish.
Eating fish regularly offers several health benefits, particularly for heart health and overall well-being…unless you’re in the UK. We neutralise any suggestion of healthy eating by coating the fish in 30mm thick deep-fried batter giving a golden middle finger to kale smoothies and portion control.
Not enough beige? Don’t worry we have you covered with 2.5kg of chips so dense they could insulate an Alaskan loft.
This entire delight is uncarefully wrapped in paper that’s half newsprint, half oil slick, and served with a side of mushy peas that look like they’ve been through a bad breakup.
Who needs it? Marc Marquez
The benefits of force-feeding Marc a helping of fish and chips are twofold.
Firstly it would wipe the smug smile off his face as he’d instead need to concentrate his bodily efforts on helping his shellshocked liver break down the grease.
Secondly any portion of Fish and Chips (including a child’s serving) cause a significant aerodynamic loss and increase of mass to the consumer with an estimated half-life of over a decade which could help slow the Spaniard down.
Shepherd’s Pie
A savory dish made with ground meat and vegetables, topped with mashed potatoes
Shepherd’s pie is the culinary lovechild of a drunken pub brawl and a hug from your nan, served in a portion so big it could down a buzzard.
The idea is simple – ground-up low-grade meat buried under a mash potato wig fluffier than a show mattress. All this is lubricated with a gravy so thick you could erect steel foundations in it.
It’s comfort food that tackles your soul like a rugby player, leaving you warm, full, and ready for a three-hour nap and without a single vitamin in sight.
Who needs it? Raúl Fernández
No one really cares about Resting Bitch Face Raúl (RBFR). Not even his team. Instead we’re all about his teammate Ai Ogura and how amazing he is…or at least in that first race. Because of his teammate’s limelight stealing antics the poor unloved Fernández has just been left to rot in the corner of the Trackhouse pitbox like a despondent sack of unwanted mail until his contract expires.
Raúl needs some comfort food to warm his soul and put a half-hearted smile onto his sour face.
Chicken Tikka Masala
A dish consisting of roasted marinated chicken pieces in a spiced sauce.
Chicken tikka masala is Britain’s unofficial national dish and the culinary equivalent of a Union Jack tracksuit—bold, beloved, and a bit questionable in origin. And like the contents of our museums – it was stolen and then claimed our own.
Legend says the dish was born when a grumpy Brit demanded gravy on his tandoori chicken, and a clever chef threw on a tin of tomato soup that’s now slathered on everything from chips to dreams.
No respectable night out in the UK is complete without a Chicken tikka masala which is consumed and spilt down your shirt in equal quantities at 2am.
Who needs it? Maverick Viñales
Anyone claiming that they knew Maverick would be KTM’s best rider this season is a dirty liar and should look for a position in politics. Even ChatGPT thought he’d be rubbish.
Instead though the bipolar Spaniard has been incredible – to the point where the other KTM riders are copying his set-up and claiming they love 80s films too.
But we can’t let this end. It’s just too great to see Viñales proving everyone wrong. So a spicy curry (without the obligatory ‘extra ingredients’ reserved for the annoyingly drunk customers) should hopefully keep Mav all psyched up throughout the weekend and deliver another top Top Gun performance.
