It doesn’t take much to get the tear-soaked Marquez haters into an internet rage. So what would happen if something really controversial happened? We found out at Silverstone…and it was utterly shocking!
Both Antichrist Marc and his understudy brother Alex fell off on the opening laps of the Silverstone race to the mass cheers of Italy who all had their greasy fingers crossed that the pairing would be injured. But a subsequent crash a few moments later, that left Morbidelli’s bike stuck leaking fluids mid-track, meant the race director red flagged proceedings.
Much to Italy’s dismay this meant that the race could be restarted by all riders…even the fallen Marquez brothers…
That was it. The internet went into a biblical meltdown as hundreds of bitter yellow clad ‘fans’ took to social media to vent their anger at this clear act of Spanish favouritism. So what if the rules are years old? This was cheating. And who caused the crash? Aleix Asparagus – another tapas chewing local boy who was obviously in on the deceitful behaviour.
The rage was so epic however that it seemingly caused a tear-soaked rip in the multiverse forcing all those involved into a parallel dimension where Bradly has hair and nothing is as it seems.
Don’t believe us? Well check out these impossible events:
Ducati were rubbish
Ducati, the work-shy pipe-benders from Bologna, are solely responsible for MotoGP being so one-dimensional with their annoyingly brilliant machinery. No one has ever asked for brilliance. Ask Bradley Smith.
Predictably Ducati managed another 1-2 in the sprint race with the smug grins of the Marquez brothers polluting the podium top steps once again – albeit in an inverted placement.
But after the main race restart paradigm shift all Ducati bikes were suddenly horrific to ride. Especially the factory bikes that suddenly seemed unable to turn around corners.
Had Quartararararararo’s R1 not broken down then there wouldn’t have been a Ducati bike anywhere near the podium.
Franco Morbidelli was Ducati’s best rider
Last year Morbidelli wasn’t even the fastest rider in his own pitbox. Realistically he had no right to be in MotoGP this season based on his consistently abysmal results…
Yet here at Silverstone Franco was leading the Ducati charge on a year-old bike…the very same bike he was embarrassing on last year.
The Italian was eventually just beaten by Marc Marquez to the line but put up such a brilliant fight, without clumsily crashing into the arse of another rider, that it left us all scratching our noggins in utter disbelief.
Bez, Aprilia’s third-string, won
Marco Bezzecchi was forced to leave Ducati last year after his hated rival, Marc Marquez, made him look dafter than the chump who rotates the square when playing Tetris. With his stock value low Aprilia were able to snap the Italian up with the remaining spare change they had left from purchasing Jorge ‘he’s our future’ Martin.
Poor Bez, who harbours facial hair like a pigeon’s nest, was initially Aprilia’s second-string rider but was then demoted one step lower after Ai Ogura had an amazing MotoGP opening weekend in Thailand.
Meanwhile Aprilia themselves had been demoted by the oriental contingent to be, at best, the fourth fastest manufacturer.
All this meant that Marco should have finished around his factory preset 12th place mark – poor, but not quite poor enough to be laughed at. But instead Bezzecchi won the race. Baffling.
Yamaha were almost in a league of their own at the front
First built in 1998 Yamaha’s R1 street legal MotoGP bike is nothing but reliable. It might not be very fast but with literally thousands of testers around the world it should be able to last a few laps of Silverstone before its first major service.
All this was twisted around in the parallel universe as now we had the Yamaha MotoGP bike, ridden by the likeable yet French star Fabio Quartararararo, scolding away at the front of the field like he’d seen a Panzerkampfwagen on the Champs-Élysées.
By half distance such was fab Fab’s lead that a win was certain…until his 2023 registered R1 broke down. What was going on? To balance this was there an owner of a Bimota V-Due praising it for its faultless reliability?
The weather was fine
The British weather is bad. That’s not to say that the weather is always rainy, cold and windy – but instead the weather is ‘bad’…or ‘evil’ if you like.
Planning a family BBQ? Then expect glorious sunshine until an hour before kick-off whereupon the sleet starts. Wedding? Grey sideways rain all day. Need water for your garden whilst away on holiday? Localised barren spell.
The UK weather hates the UK more than Marxists Starmer does. And just like the glorious leader of the People’s Republic of the United Kingdom the nice weather seems to prefer the rest of Europe.
Beforehand the Silverstone forecast looked sketchy. Friday looked fine but rain was scheduled to turn up on Sunday and ruin it for everyone. Another wet race would also allow pointless ‘journalist’ Sebastian Piffleton to start crying on social media again about how the racing is a total lottery and how it’s unfair on his non-biased favourite Bagnaia.
No one wanted any of that…so obviously it was going to happen. But it didn’t. After the restart the sun came out and the track stayed dry. In Britain? In May?
Honda finished second on a dry track
This is just getting farcical.
The Monaco F1 race was exciting
Okay, this didn’t happen. Hugh Everett proposed in 1957 that the Many-Worlds Interpretation (MWI) suggests that every quantum event splits the universe into multiple branches – but crucially none of the interpretations would ever see a Monaco F1 race that wasn’t shit. This has become known in scientific literature as ‘The Monte Carlo Paradox’.
