Who’s Nico Rosberg?
Rosberg is a German ex-F1 driver most famous for winning the 2016 F1 world title then quitting the sport the very next day. He’s also the son of the Finnish ex-F1 driver Keke Rosberg who was one of the few drivers from that era of the sport that wasn’t hideously killed at Nurburgring.
Since retiring the German has taken to commentating given his excellent racing knowledge and ability to not nod off very often.
Wait, Nico’s German but his dad’s Finnish? That makes no sense.
Agreed. No one with any decency would actively choose to be German given the country’s past history of starting stuff they can’t finish and those weird toilets where you can look at your own poo.
So what did the Krauten Kommentator say?
Rosberg was commentating on a typically mind numbingly boring Formula One race when something actually happened that caused everyone to glance up from doom-scrolling on their phones – the British Thunderbirds puppet George Russell was blatantly nerfed wide by the sulking Dutchman Max Verstappen.
Nico, possibly knowing his country’s poor track record against the Brits, was quick to point the finger of accusation at the Verstappen claiming the move was so bad that he had to take a screenshot of it, print it out on a piece of paper and take a shit on it*.
However the German then likened the move to the infamous Rossi – Marquez clash in 2015 that saw the Italian MotoGP rider accidentally kick his rival off his bike. The fact that Rosberg sided with George Russell then meant that he must also believe Valentino Rossi was a dirty cheat too**.
What have the Rossi fans said on social media? They usually have a well-balanced and factually strong view on any article involving their hero.
Unusually for the yellow army they went off in a mental internet rage claiming Rosberg should be shot at dawn and all Germans punched in their gallbladders. Most commented that the ex-F1 driver ‘knew nothing’ and only ever won because he had the best equipment.
So what was the F1 clash about?
Whilst most people were napping it seems that George Russell attempted to make a pass on Verstappen who defended his position. Strict F1 rules dictate that nothing exciting should ever happen and by not waving his rival through Max had broken sporting regulation 231.453 article 34.34.1 revision 4b. The faux pas meant Verstappen was ordered to hand the position back to Russell and send him a nice card from Moonpig.com.
This left Max, who at the best of times has a face that looks like a biblical punishment, raging inside his snug fitting helmet. To seek revenge the crying Dutchman slowed down to allow his rival to edge slightly ahead going into a corner before speeding back up and punting him off the circuit – a manoeuvre that even had baldy Jacque Villeneuve wincing.
Sounds lame
It totally was. It was one spoilt brat driver throwing his clogs out of the cockpit because his car doesn’t now have a massive performance advantage.
Formula One really sucks doesn’t it?
It’s awful.
Blimey! I’ve just Googled Nico Rosberg – he’s very handsome isn’t he?
Yes, but still German remember.
* Or words to that effect
** See above
