The Marq Marquez Award
Marq Marquez is annoyingly good at Aragon. So much so that Italy didn’t even watch this year.
Due to a crazy combination of diplopia in his right eye and his left shoulder being reattached at the wrong angle the grinning Spaniard always ‘hangs left’. He can’t help it. If Marc tries to sprint off into the sunset he inevitably finds himself back where he started 20 minutes later with one side of his trainers all worn out.
The upside of his left-leaning antics is that the Ducati rider is untouchable on anti-clockwise circuits. Especially in front of his home crowd…
This award goes to the rider who mastered the fine art of turning left with such unparalleled finesse that it makes NASCAR drivers drink a crate of Bud Light and commit state-legal domestic violence.
Winner: Marq Marquez
Marq Marquez is annoyingly good at Aragon. In the first practice he was a second faster than the rest of the disappointing peasants and from that point the Spanish Antichrist never lost control.
Fastest in all timed sessions. Pole position. Sprint and main race victories. The only tear-soaked blot on his weekend was that Marc didn’t set the fastest lap in the sprint race. Luckily this was enough for the bitter yellow-internet hoards to grasp to and feverishly yell that because of this Marquez was an utter failure.
The Alex Marquez Award
Being Alex Marquez is like signing up for a lifelong audition where your older brother on lead guitar, and you’re stuck playing the kazoo in his world-conquering rock band.
Growing up in the Marquez household, Alex would try to nail the “best son” role when he ate all his shallow fried donkey, only for Marc to waltz in with a MotoGP trophy under one arm and a plate of perfectly grilled paella under the other.
As brilliant as the little brother is he still battles the shadow of Marc’s eight world championships, dodging questions like, “Oh, are you’re only that Marquez?” with a smile that says, “Yes, but please don’t make me sing backup to his greatest hits again.”
This award goes to the second-best rider whose brilliance was once again overlooked.
Winner: Alex Marquez
Once again poor Alex was forced to play second fiddle. In fact he’s been playing that second fiddle so often recently that’s it’s been warn down to a pochette.
Once again Alex was second on the grid and second in both races.
The Pecco Bagnaia Award
Bagnaia’s season can be summed up as one big disappointing sigh whilst sitting on a damp beanbag staring at a piss-soaked carpet with your head in your hands. The bearded Italian and his sister have had nothing to smile about with Marquez beating him on track in every race that Marc didn’t fall off at and in every single qualification.
Heading to Aragon, the Spanish Antichrist’s strongest circuit, meant that Pecco’s season would be more broken than a McDonald’s ice cream machine.
This award goes to the rider who was most disappointing
Winner: Pecco Bagnaia
Same, same. Just read a previous review.
But wait…Pecco’s found a solution! Until the next race that is…
The Fabio Quartararararo Award
The topless Frenchman is showing that huge bundles of filthy cash are a great motivational incentive. Quartararararo has been on top form this season putting his 1998 Yamaha R1 into places it should never have been – the ladies’ toilets…but that’s a different story worth brushing over.
This award goes to the rider who outperformed on their shabby heap of bric-a-brac.
Winner: Pedro Acosta
We’ve not heard much from the stoat this season thanks in part to him being shackled to the economic burden of KTM’s reckless spending. Finances are apparently so bad at Redbull KTM that Brad Binder now has to provide his own giraffe skin rug for his motorhome/transit van and Dani Pedrosa’s daily food rations have been halved to just one eggcup of grain.
But despite all this Pedro shone like a well-polished chorizo in Aragon. Fuelled by his hatred of Fermín Aldeguer and the desire to get back to his garage to continue checking for any get-out clauses in his contract the weaselly Mustelidae ended the race just off the podium in 4th place.
The Franco Morbidelli Award
If there’s one thing we all know it’s that Morbidelli’s a waste of a Ducati. Although that’s not actually true at the moment…luckily there’s another ‘one thing’ we know about the Italian waif and that’s that he’s the most likely to cause a serious pileup due to gross negligence.
This award goes to the rider who caused the biggest accident due to gross negligence.
Winner: Jack Miller
The World Superbike bound Australian showed us exactly why his country is famed for its strong body and weak cerebrum by punting off a hapless Joan Mir in the sprint race.
Luckily for Miller, who has less processing power than an abacus sunk in a peat bog, Race Direction only awarded him a single long lap penalty citing that his clumsy actions just saved everyone time by knocking off Mir before he eventually fell off anyway.
