The Corpse Flower Award
The Indonesian Corpse Flower (Titan arum), nature’s prankster with a PhD in stench, blooms once in a blue moon, unleashing a scent like rotting gizzard seepage mixed with regret. This towering floral fiend, often called the “diva of decay,” can grow up to 12 feet tall, luring curious pollinators (and horrified tourists) with its eau de corpse. It’s the plant world’s equivalent of a Kardasian – flashy, stinks of rotten fish, and is impossible to ignore when it decides to make a scene.
This award goes to the rider who blooms once a season but absolutely stinks the rest of the time.
Winner: Pecco Bagnaia
Remember last week when Pecco was back? And properly back, not just a false-dawn back? Well his back’s now back to the back.
No one is quite sure what bike Baggers is riding these days. It seems to be a parts-bin special with as many GP24 bits on it as the rules will allow…or maybe not allow if rumours are true.
But he might as well have been riding a Welsh monkey-powered roller-skate for all his performance. Last in the sprint race and fell off whilst last in the main race. Even Chantra was taking the piss out of his performance.
The Komodo Dragon Award
An oversized, grumpy lizard with thick scaly skin and a poisonous tongue. No it’s not your ex-wife but the Komodo dragon that struts around Indonesia’s islands like it owns the place whilst ignoring selected evolution.
If nature documentaries have taught us anything then it’s that the Komodo dragon has a fondness to attack campers. One minute you’re kipping in your tent and the next you’re being dragged out by a prehistoric beast. Worse still you’re not even allowed to kick its head in as they’re heavily protected by law.
This award goes to the rider who fought like a grumpy dragon.
Winner: Pedro Acosta
At very best the Spanish stoat usually has a face that looks like the last ingredients in a coleslaw. Indeed Alpinestars have to fit a special reinforced visor to his helmet to stop his ‘punched cabbage’ looks from cracking it.
But his face was even worse at Mandalika as Acosta was forced to witness his mortal rat-like enemy, Vermin Aldeguer, sailing off to take his first win in his rookie season. That must have been a tough nut to swallow given the stoat’s in his second season and is still winless.
However Pedro channelled that rage into his riding and doggedly refused to let go of second position despite his KTM clearly not being the best bike on the grid.
Ultimately it was a great ride by the Spanish mustelid in a race that he probably fancied winning.
The Indonesian Rupiah Award
The Indonesian Rupiah, with its impressive parade of zeros that could make a binary mathematician dizzy, is like Monopoly money for unsuspecting tourists. Sporting denominations with up to six zeros—think 100,000 IDR notes—it’s a devious local’s dream for pulling a fast one, slipping an extra zero or two on a price tag or “forgetting” to mention the exchange rate – all whilst leaving you thinking you’ve bagged a Bali bargain.
This award goes to the rider whose value now has a load more zeroes on the end.
Winner: Fermin Aldeguer
On Saturday Aldeguer was denied his first sprint race victory on the very last lap. For most of us that would have resulted in an epic tantrum and chucking stuff around. But not the Vermin. Instead the young Spaniard set aside his disappointment like he would tofu and set about winning the main race.
Sure he benefited from Bezzecchi breaking off Marquez’s shoulder on the opening lap – but who’s to say he wouldn’t have won anyway?
The Volcanoes Award
Indonesia has more volcanoes than Uccio has cholesterol membranes. These geological divas don’t just erupt; they spew lava, ash, and attitude, reshaping landscapes and reminding us who’s really in charge – and no we’re still not talking about ex-wives here.
This award goes to the rider who has been slowly brewing before unleashing chaos.
Winner: Family Fernadez
Brothers Raul and Adrian Fernandez for some reason have the exact same face – probably due to Spanish poverty meaning Raul had to hand it down to his younger brother rather than allowing him to have one his own. They also shared a huge surge in performances at Mandalika.
Younger brother Adrian qualified on pole and finished second in the Moto3 race…but was given a penalty for comically knocking off David Munoz and causing a red flag.
Resting Bitch Face Raul (RBFR) meanwhile was delivering his best MotoGP performance of the season – thanks in part to the gorgeous Gulf Livery that was estimated to gain him 1.5 seconds per lap.
RBFR qualified on the front row, finishing third in the sprint race and 6th in the main race. All whilst laughing at his once rated teammate Ai Ogura who was out again through injuring himself.
The Lombok, Not Bali, Award
Indonesia is littered with islands. The MotoGP race is situated on the spectacular Island of Lombok. But who’s ever heard of it? Instead everyone just knows it’s troublesome next-door neighbour: Bali.
Bali’s where pretentious liberals visit to show off by claiming they’re spiritual and adventurous. But in reality Bali’s a bit of a dump. Sure the North is absolutely stunning but most folk never make it there as it takes days to wade through the grotty backstreets of Denpasar thanks to the high concentration of traffic and higher concentration of taxi drivers keen on ripping you off.
But if you can make it out of Bali and east (over the also fantastic Penida Island) you’ll find yourself on Lombok.
This award goes to the rider who isn’t the star but was beautiful
Winner: Alex Rins
The curly-headed Spaniard’s had a bad year. With injuries, terrible past performances and hair that suffers badly in tropical humidity no one expected Rins to ride well at Mandalika. Not even Alex himself.
But he did. And for the first time this season…or possibly ever Rins was more than a match for his beret-bumming overpaid teammate Fabio Quartararararo. And without any pearl necklaces.
The Let’s Put Marquez in Hospital Award
(Sponsored by the VR46 Fan Club)
It’s been a good few months since Marc’s had a potentially career ending injuring that requires more trips to the theatre than the Royal Shakespear Society. That’s too long if you ask some ‘fans’.
Winner: Marco Bezzecchi
The Italian had looked amazing all weekend on his Aprilia – to the point that Jorge Martin was probably writing his next resignation letter knowing he’ll never match his teammate. Pole by a huge margin and a brilliant win in the sprint race meant Bezzecchi and his questionable haircut lined up on the grid on Sunday as the clear favourite.
The Italians around the world were desperate for the Italian to win on an Italian bike…that wasn’t a traitorous Ducati. But what did they want even more? For Bezzecchi to hospitalise the Spanish Antichrist and end his season. Mission accomplished.
The clash, as clumsy as it was, wasn’t actually on purpose…unless you believe the Rossi haters. It was just a case that Marco didn’t actually realise his own pace until it was too late.
