When it comes to arm and shoulder injuries no one knows more about it than Marc Marquez. So, whilst recovering from yet another hideous injury, the 2025 MotoGP World Champion has been helping others out with their arm-related issues.
Alessandro Nannini (Former F1 driver)
Hello Dr Marquez
You may remember me as being the driver that won the Suzuka F1 race in 1989 when Prost and Senna crashed. What you probably don’t know is that my promising Formula One career was devastatingly cut short in 1990 when the helicopter I was in crash landed into a load of grapes severing my right forearm.
Microsurgery saved my arm but it still often swells up when I start waving my fist at the TV screen when F1 pundits fail to mention me when talking about ‘the greats’. How do I reduce this inflammation?
Marc’s ‘Armless’ Medical Advice:
You’re clearly suffering from a fist-flinging phalangeal fury swelling the upper limb into Michelin Man proportions from tele-rage volleys at the idiot box, unleashing volar vascular vendettas and extensor edema extravaganzas that balloon with every failed checkered-flag fantasy jab. Sadly this grudge-gripped gorilla only arm risks compartment syndrome showdowns and tendonitis tantrums.
My advice would be to hang up the remote or resign yourself to a symphony of intrusive surgical procedures before the chequered flag.
Elon Musk (Entrepreneur)
Hello Dr Marquez
I often practice salute waving in the mirror. I’m trying to find the sweet spot where it’s not quite a Nazi salute but close enough for half the world to go crazy on my platform, X, which ultimately generates me much more money. However all this practice is giving me a throbbing pain around the joint. What should I do?
Marc’s ‘Armless’ Medical Advice:
You appear to be exhibiting a florid, ego-propelled glenohumeral debacle: a throbbing, mirror-induced salute-itis from deltoid-drubbing self-admiration marathons, sparking supraspinatus symphonies of soreness that crescendo with every 45-degree “heil myself” abduction. Accompanied by bursal popcorn pops, phantom fascist tingles down the brachial boulevard, and delusional crowds roaring in the psyche, this hubris-overload risks rotator cuff rebellion and subacromial squabbles.
My advice would be to ditch the looking-glass or face numerous intrusive surgical procedures.
Sting (Miniature musician)
Hello Dr Marquez
Being a very famous pompous little twat often means I have to sign lots of autographs – something that I detest more than poor people. I’d much prefer to be pretentiously lecturing everyone on human rights before accepting a shed-load of cash from a dodgy King in a country famed for having an abhorrent human rights record.
But when I’m forced to sign autographs I do it as quickly as possible so I can get back to my private jet – but recently I’ve been suffering from nerve pain and a tingling sensation in the wrist area. What’s causing this? And can it be fixed by receiving more money from dubious dictators?
Marc’s ‘Armless’ Medical Advice:
Sorry Sting, suspicious swag won’t help you this time! You’ve found yourself with a VIP case of carpal tunnel capers: a stellar median nerve meltdown from autograph-armageddon overload, igniting flexor tendon tantrums and thenar throne throbs that electrify with every flourish of the Sharpie scepter. Cue nocturnal numb-fingered rebellions mimicking papal blessings gone rogue and a grip-strength collapse worthy of Andy Summers’ career after you quit the band.
My advice would be to cease the signing spree or succumb to numerous intrusive surgical procedures.
The Bell Witch (Tennessee based ghost)
Hello Dr Marquez
Being a supernatural spectre was all the rage back in the 19th century. Witch burnings, hauntings and general graveyard tomfoolery was everywhere – it was a really exciting and vibrant time to not be alive. Sadly those days slowly died out – so to speak.
As time has passed I’ve had very little to do as less folk really believe in ghosts anymore. Most people think us spooks are just a made-up story like the Foggy FP1. Because of this I started to slow down and take it easy.
Recently though Ouija boards have become a phenomenon on that TikTok thing and I’m getting called out at all hours! One minute I’m all relaxed, floating around in a cosy crypt watching an episode of ‘Highway to Heaven’ and the next “whoosh!!” I’m summoned into some spotty bastard’s bedroom. Worst still they always want the ‘classic’ ghost look forcing me to clamber inside a bedsheet and wave my arms around screaming “whoooo”. And my old bones are killing me – literally. Especially around the top of my shoulders. Any ideas?
Marc’s ‘Armless’ Medical Advice:
This to me sounds like the standard spectral spookster ectoplasmic extremity extravaganza: your sheet-shrouded syndrome from poltergeist-propelled phantom flails is haunting the humerus with wraith-like wailing waves that inflate the appendage into boo-llooned boo-merang proportions.
My advice would be to cease the phantasmal boo-waving or succumb to numerous intrusive surgical procedures by Dr Harold Shipman.
Have you an arm or shoulder related injury that you’d like Dr Marquez to diagnose? Then contact us now and you too could be on the road to recovery via numerous intrusive surgical procedures
