MotoGP headed to the desert-like terrain of Aragon for its annual #93fest. But which desert-dwellers did the riders most resemble? Let’s grab a 250ml mini bottle of water, fire up our knackered old Series 2 Land Rover and head into the arid hinterlands to find out!
Road Runner
Who said “beep-beep” then bolted into the distance, leaving all of his hapless rivals in the desert dust?
Marc Marquez
The Spanish Antichrist always wins in Aragon. He even has his own grandstand next to The Wall where he can celebrate with his Beelzebub-worshipping fans. No amount of crazed Acme branded exploding gizmos could have stopped him. If the Aprilia riders had painted a fake tunnel entrance on a wall, Marc would’ve safely ridden straight through it.
The Wreck of the Eduard Bohlen
Arguably the best ever example of “What the bloody hell is THAT doing there???”, the Eduard Bohlen is a shipwreck in the Namibian desert. Which rider astonished all of us by appearing where he couldn’t possibly be?
Pedro Acosta
The KTM rider had no business being anywhere remotely near the front of the race. Not only was he right up there with the Marc and Bez, he produced an outrageous overtake to go round the outside and slot into a totally non-existent gap between them. Marc must be a tad concerned about having to beat the young whippersnapper on the same bike next year. Especially because comparing the number of functioning arms they have, Pedro is like the Hindu deity Ganesha next to Marc’s Nelsonian upper limb count.
Val and Earl from Tremors
Tremors is one of the greatest movies of all time. It even has a MotoGP connection, because the crazy gun nut character is almost exactly like Colin Edwards. The two main characters are Val and Earl, played by Kevin Spacey and Fred Ward. They’re a pair of loveable goofballs who are set to leave the desert valley where they’ve been living but have to hang around and save the day, entertaining the hell out of us along the way. Which riders were most like Val and Earl at Aragon?
Jack Miller and Brad Binder
The two amiable, Southern Hemisphere barbecue specialists provided much of the entertainment in the Aragon feature race. They were nowhere near the front, and both of them are on the brink of leaving MotoGP, but it was a lot of fun seeing them fighting for positions like the old days.
The Mummy
A powerful king who has been wrapped in bandages and stuck in a pyramid for millennia, The Mummy shocks everyone by coming back to life and running rampage. Which rider was most likely to chase Abbott and Costello around at Aragon?
Johann Zarco
Some people thought we’d seen the last of the moody Frenchman, what with him being cocooned in bandages and bricked up inside his house for months on end. But then he came back to life and kicked ass in Aragon. Without his long-delayed double long lap penalty, he would’ve beaten both factory Hondas.
John Mills’ character in Ice Cold In Alex
One of the great WW2 movies, Ice Cold In Alex features a British army captain who defies the odds to lead his ambulance crew through the kraut-infested desert to Alexandria, where they gulp down a well deserved ice cold beer. Which rider most deserved a cold beer after the race at Aragon?
Diogo Moreira
The baby Brazilian put together a stunning performance to be the first Honda home at Aragon. Faster than Mir and more consistent than Marini, he earned a chilled cerveja in the desert sun.
Marcus Licinius Crassus
The Roman statesman and general Crassus led his legions into the deserts of what’s now Turkey to battle the Parthians in 53BC. It all went nipples skyward and he suffered the most humiliating defeat that any Roman ever encountered right up until Max Biaggi got bitch-slapped by Valentino Rossi on the way up to the podium. Which rider was totally humiliated at Aragon?
Fabio Quartarararo
The even moodier Frog fell apart at the seams like a cut-price Kermit in Aragon. He is raking in so much money for doing so suspiciously little that he may as well open a Turkish Barber shop on a high street in the UK. And after spending a whole year bitching that Yamaha never bring him anything new to test, he suddenly started bitching that Yamaha keep making him test stuff. This led to Yamaha issuing one of the most hilarious “Slay Kween” putdowns in MotoGP history when they asked Fabio, “Why can’t you be more like Jack Miller?”
The Lost Army of Cambyses
Staying on the ancient history theme, the Lost Army of Cambyses were 50,000 Persian troops who marched into the Egyptian desert in 525BC and simply vanished. Which riders just disappeared at Aragon?
Pecco Bananas and Frankie Morbidelli.
What is it with these two muppets? The Ducati isn’t the best bike on the grid any more, but it’s still quick. As the governor of Shawshank Prison might have put it, the Italian VR46 Lost Boys duo just up and vanished like a fart in the wind at Aragon.
