Pecco Bananas is having a major MotoGP crisis. His championship hopes are disappearing faster than the Epstein Client List, and his points gap to Marc Marquez is ballooning faster than Jennifer Love Hewitt’s backside. He’s being slapped silly on an identical bike by his beloved yellowmongering mentor’s Spanish Nemesis. When you’re in this much trouble, the only sensible thing to do is to seek advice from internet randos who have very little idea of what they’re yapping about even in the unlikely event that they’re sober. MGPNews is delighted to step in and offer our expert assistance in this capacity.
Pecco’s Options
We’re going to offer Pecco several options to dig his way out of this hole. Ideally, he would do all of them.
Get His Assen Tattoo Covered Up With A Tatt Of His Sister
The Italian famously has a tatt of the Assen circuit, because he’s really good there when he’s on the best bike against rubbish opposition. However, now it will just remind him that he’s rubbish there compared to both the good Marquez brother on an identical bike, and also the rubbish Marquez brother on a vaguely better bike.
When Valentino Rossi was in his pomp, the TV director would regularly cut to his garage for a shot of Uccio slouching there with his belly hanging out from under his freebie 46 T-shirt. The tubby Italian Mr Smithers would be waving his arms around angrily because, for instance, Sete Gibernau had just recklessly ridden into the side of Vale in the last turn at Jerez and bounced off into the gravel trap.
These days, when Pecco does something stupid we are treated to a shot of Pecco’s attractive sister standing there with her arms folded, rolling her eyes in exasperation. A huge upgrade from the Uccio days. Pecco should have a tatt of his sister to honour her service.
Get a Damn Shave
For some reason, Italian men will happily spend 12,000 Euros on a designer T-shirt in order to look their best, but won’t take 3 minutes in the morning to have a damn shave.
Pecco is a serial offender in this respect. His scraggly array of patchy bumfluff can’t be doing anything for either his mental state or riding skills. Ditching the attempted beard would be an easy route back to success.
Split From VR46 And Form His Own Gang
Now that we’ve passed Peak Rossi, the whole concept of a VR46 Academy is evaporating. It’s just a bunch of underperforming Italians who refuse to ram each other out of the way.
Pecco should have a huge bust-up with Valentino over some minor matter, then storm off to form his own gang. His fellow Italians Fabio Digibox and Enea Bestiality aren’t members of Rossi’s yellow circle, so they’d be a good place to start. He could also adopt some young rising talent. Diogo Moreira would be a great choice. The emerging “Brazilian Antichrist” could teach Pecco a thing or two about how to be more evil in the face of adversity.
Get His Tits Out
One of the riders who’s earning the most respect in MotoGP right now is Fabio Quartararararo. The key to his success appears to be that he gets his tits out at every possible opportunity. At one point he even whipped them out during a race, although he was admittedly reprimanded on that occasion. However, Fabio Q constantly gets his bewbs out for the lads in the pit box. Pecco should give it a try. It’s probably quite freeing.
Slap A Journo
Andrea Iannone has shown how rubbish results can be covered up using a little off-track controversy. And Jorge Martin’s off-track contract antics are brilliantly stopping people from talking about how he keeps stupidly injuring himself.
The quickest and easiest way to earn this off-track notoriety in the MotoGP paddock would be to take a leaf out of Björk’s book. The songstress, who’s so magnificently insane that even Icelanders think she’s a nutter, made the headlines by battering a journalist in an airport. Pecco already hates press conferences, so the next time he gets asked about his stupid Small Petrol Tank excuse, he should just lose it and launch himself into the crowd of reporters.
It would probably be best to start by slapping a journo who’s either the fattest, the gingerest or the most woke. From then on, he could just go around slapping journalists at every race. The controversy would stop everyone going on and on about how rubbish he is this season.
