MGPNews can exclusively bring you the transcript of Jorge Martin talking to the British and Irish press for the first time about his Aprilia Assassination.
Press Officer: Let’s start with a question from Crunch dot com
Crunch: Jorge, your INSANE decision to leave Aprilia has LITERALLY dropped an actual THERMONUCLEAR BOMB on the MotoGP paddock!!! How did you make this SENSATIONAL choice that has left fans SPEECHLESS?!?!?
Jorge Martin: It seemed like a good idea when my manager told me how much people get paid to ride that pile of caca Honda.
PO: Right, now a question from the curmudgeonly gentleman from MotoMopers who’s been sitting there harrumphing at everyone.
MotoMopers: Sources tell me that you secretly met with HRC at Le Mans, where, by the way, there were bloody well NOT 300,000 people, there were the same 100,000 on all three days! You don’t turn into 3 people just because you did the same thing in 3 separate 24 hour periods! That’s like me claiming that 700 people crapped in my toilet last year when it was just me and the wife!!! Why are people such complete and utter morons???
JM: I don’t think the French can count at all. They just do all that “four twenties” nonsense to confuse everyone.
PO: Now the, uh, “portly” gentleman in the green shirt from The Hyphen Chase, whose arse is occupying most of the 2nd row.
The Hyphen Chase: Sure, isn’t your attitude towards Aprilia just typical of a privileged cisgender hetero Caucasian oppressor, descended from the colonialists who looted and pillaged South America? Isn’t it now your duty to rescind your World Championship and abdicate your #1 plate to a far more deserving member of the BIPOC LGBTQ++ community?
JM: Que?
PO: Now the prematurely greying gentleman from Off Road Off Road.
Off Road Off Road: If I can just bring the conversation to Motocross for a moment, have you considered training more on Motocross bikes, Jorge? I mean, every time you ride on tarmac you get hurt, so maybe you’re in some kind of bizarro world where Motocross isn’t insanely dangerous and you’d be better off riding Motocross bikes a lot more.
JM: My surgeon says if I even look at a picture of a Motocross bike, he’ll shoot me.
PO: And, I think we’ll take a question from the Non-Clueless Commentator who’s about 18 inches taller than all the other journos.
Non-Clueless Commentator: [BOOMING] Good morning, Jorge! [The reverberations shatter Jorge’s water glass on the desk] How much inspiration do you take from Sito Pons’s magnificent 2nd place finish in the Swedish 250cc Grand Prix in Anderstorp in 1986?
JM: Uh, yeah. Sito is a great guy.
PO: Now, this will be the last question. Yes, the elderly gentleman from MotorSnort Magazine
MotorSnort: Oh, f***, is it me now? Ha ha! [Swigs beer] Right, er, Jorge. When the f*** did you decide to f*** Aprilia over by wiping your a*** on your f***ing contract?
JM: When somebody texted me a picture of the Aprilia and I dropped the phone on my foot, breaking one of my metatarsals. That bike hates me, man.
PO: Thank you, gentlemen. That will be all.
