With the Winners and Losers format debased by a plague of boring articles on lesser websites, we have decided to try out an upgrade by comparing the MotoGP riders at Barcelona to 3 types of people: Taylor Swift fans, the British Public and the Baseball Karen from the Phillies game.
Let’s see how the stars of MotoGP fared.
Swifties
Taylor Swift fans are in almost as much ecstasy as Happy Mondays fans after the announcement of their caterwauling heroine’s engagement to some big, dumbass oaf who plays American Football. Which riders were so ecstatic at Barcelona that a picture of them lying in intensive care might have ended up in an anti-drugs campaign?
The Marquez Brothers
It was an incredible weekend both for the evil one and the one who’s slower but equally dangerous to be overtaken by. They were so fast at Barcelona that they left opponents wondering which way they went. This makes a change from most weekends, when their victims are left lying in a gravel trap wondering where the hell their assailant came from. (For most Marquez Brother overtakes, this is usually about 60 metres back, with no possible way of getting around the corner without ramming someone). And the Hermanos Psychos achieved all of this so close to their home town that they could sleep in their own bunk beds at night.
Fabio Quartarararo
MotoGP’s answer to Samantha Fox brought glamour to the model of Yamaha that is soon to be replaced by a V4.
Valentino Rossi
Vale was the big winner of the Catalunya GP. Sure, both of his VR46 riders spent most of their time rolling around in the gravel. But the great victory for the yellow-mongering star was that it became mathematically impossible for Marc Marquez to sew up the MotoGP title at Misano. The mediocre Italian racetrack is so close to the VR46 Neverland Ranch that Joan Mir’s bike ends up flying over the fence onto Vale’s property at least 3 or 4 times during a typical race weekend. Vale can now sleep easy at the Misano race weekend, surrounded by his Lost Boys.
Enea Bestiality
The Italian did one of his rare “appearing acts” at Barcelona.
Ai Ogura
After a few rounds of throwing the Aprilia at the wall to see if it would stick, the Japanese rookie has started to use his noodle and return to the impressive form he showed at the start of the season.
The British Public
The only way the cops in the UK would catch a house burglar these days is if they literally tripped over one whilst half a dozen thuggish, heavily-armed riot police were goose-stepping up the front path to arrest a little old lady for mildly criticizing government policy on Facebook. Which MotoGP riders were innocent victims of their evil oppressors in Barcelona?
Jorge Martin
The reigning champ was denied the chance to fall off and re-injure himself when he was torpedoed by Franky “U-Boat” Morbidelli. Luckily, Jorge managed to sarcastically applaud his attacker without fracturing a scaphoid.
Bez
The other factory Aprilia rider was a double victim. In the sprint, he was rammed by the overenthusiastic rookie Fermin Aldeguer. In the feature race, Bez was caught out by his VR46 stablemate Franky Morbidelli riding slower than expected on the racing line, presumably because Franky thought it was a qualifying session.
Fabio Digibox
After a great podium in the largely meaningless sprint, Diggia was the innocent victim of a Domino Rally in the feature race when some muppet several bikes ahead of him did something silly.
Pecco
A hollowed-out, pathetically-bearded shell of a man, destroyed by the regime change that has put #93 in charge of the Ducati Lenovo garage.
Baseball Karen
Like the screeching harridan who demanded that a small child give up a home run ball that he would’ve cherished for life, which rider deserved to be named, shamed, heckled and berated for his arrogant and selfish misdeeds?
Franky Morbidelli
If there’s one part of his Brazilian heritage that Franky has truly embraced, it’s the crime rate.
(Brazil’s levels of theft and fraud are so outrageous that the United Nations is threatening to reclassify the entire country as a “BMW dealership”).
The Roman Recidivist’s* 2025 rap sheet is so stacked with felonies that even a New York City District Attorney would briefly consider denying him bail.
Franky rides as if he’s remote-controlled by half a dozen Moto3 riders who are all squabbling over the X-Box controller that’s paired with his brain. Slow on line in qualifying, ramming people with insane overtakes, and at Barcelona a new offence: Disobeying direct safety orders from Race Marshals.
Simon Crafar is believed to have ordered a “prescription pad” book of penalty notices that have Franky Morbidelli’s name ready-printed on them to save time. The Kiwi will just have to cross out either “Riding slowly on the racing line” or “Causing a crash”, check one of the boxes marked either “Long Lap” or “Double Long Lap” and then sign it.
The Stewards Panel are debating whether to give Franky his own armchair and mini fridge in their office, or just move the Stewards Office to the VR46 hospitality unit and be done with it.
Franky is a cool guy, but he’s cool in the way of Snake from The Simpsons or Todd from Beavis and Butthead. Which is either unfortunate or fortunate, depending on your point of view. Huh huh huh.
* Recidivist
noun
One who is recidivous or is characterized by recidivism; an incorrigible criminal.
One who falls back into prior habits, especially criminal habits; a repeat offender.
Someone who is repeatedly arrested for criminal behaviour (especially for the same criminal behaviour).
Someone who lapses into previous undesirable patterns of behaviour.
