What’s happening?
With the punch-up in the Middle East showing no real signs of stopping, the entire western world is being plunged into an energy crisis which could seriously limit our morning oat lattes. With the US having poked the Persian hornet’s nest, Iran decided to close the Strait of Hormuz faster than a KTM dealership closes after another dodgy parts recall.
Why do I care? MotoGP bikes hardly use any fuel.
Fuel shortages could be bad news for our sport. Sure, MotoGP bikes use bugger-all fuel and will be switching to fully synthetic fuels next season… but that conveniently overlooks the other 99.999994% of the actual fuel (mainly diesel) needed to transport all the equipment and Uccio’s legendary all-you-can-eat buffet.
I never thought of that. Are we doomed?
If I can’t watch MotoGP on a Sunday the wife might ask me to do some DIY or, worse still, drag me around a garden centre to admire petunias.
Fear not! EU Chief Ursula von der Leyen recently said, “The cheapest energy is the one you don’t use. Stay home, don’t drive, don’t use electricity… and while you’re at it, maybe stop breathing so vigorously.”
Not sure that makes me feel much better. She sounds like an idiot.
Again, fear not! MotoGP could switch to bicycles!
Really? Bicycle racing is boring and dominated by drug-taking cheats.
Agreed. But MotoGP-Cycle could introduce a more contact-friendly sport with way more crashes. Who wouldn’t want to see Morbidelli lose the front of his bicycle and take out half the peloton like a human bowling ball?
Okay, I’m slightly more interested. Who do you reckon would be good?
Cal ‘Crutches’ Crutchlow is actually renowned for being a great cyclist. If the sport switches to pedal power, the part-man, part-machine, all-gobshite Englishman (who has accidentally blocked us on X) could easily make a stunning return — and finally win something without needing a thousand-cc engine to do it.
Gobshite. Cal is well known for pedalling bikes even faster than his mouth
Crutches would certainly brighten up any press conference with his unique brand of honesty. Speaking of old riders that weren’t actually that good — isn’t Aleix Espargaro a top cyclist too?
He is! Or was. Sadly Aleix is currently stuck in a hospital bed with four freshly fused vertebrae, and the fuel crisis is looking like it will fully recover long before he does.
Blimey, what happened?
The elder Asparagus brother crashed Honda’s MotoGP bike whilst attempting to develop it into being less crashy. Mission status: spectacularly failed.
Okay, so who wouldn’t be very good?
The outgoing curly-headed Yamaha rider Alex ‘nowhere all weekend’ Rins would probably be the worst rider to adapt to cycling. Back in June 2021 Rins suffered a broken right arm after crashing his bicycle into a stationary van while training at the Catalunya circuit. Rumour has it he was texting his team a ‘funny message’ saying he’d finally managed a lap of the track without crashing… when the crash occurred. Classic Rins.
What about that Marc Marquez bloke that Neil Hodgson always bangs on about? Would he be any good?
Almost certainly. If it has two wheels then the Spanish Antichrist will probably be both fast and dangerous on it. Furthermore, Marc’s body strength could be pivotal — doctors now predict his physique is 94% muscle, with the remaining 6% being pure scar tissue and self-tapping screws.
What about the tracks? Would any adjustments be needed?
Probably not. Although it’s believed that the Valencia circuit would need to be dropped as modern bicycles have now outgrown the terrible Spanish track. They’d probably just use it as a car park instead.
Well I’ll probably watch it. It’s got to be better than the garden centre with the wife.
And infinitely better than watching F1 — at least the crashes will finally be entertaining again.
