The Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz Award
German compound words are the linguistic equivalent of cramming an entire season worth of Joan Mir crashes into one absurdly long frankenword. Behold
Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz—a 63-letter monstrosity that translates to “beef labelling supervision duties delegation law.” Why use inefficient spaces when you can weld words together into a syllable salad that leaves foreigners wheezing and printed dictionaries having word-wrap formatting issues.
This award goes to the rider who compressed an entire career into a very short period of time.
Winner Franky Morbidelli
MotoGP’s least focused rider managed to cram his entire career into just three laps of the Sausagering’s sprint race. Partly brilliant, partly terrible and nearly always unpredictably dangerous the Italian managed just three laps before ending his career highlights by crashing out of the race unaided at high speed.
The VR46 rider’s fall was, as always, particularly nasty causing sufficient injuries to rule him out of the rest of the weekend.
The Hitler Award
Germany’s favourite dictator with his ‘aggressive foreign policy’ was keen to conquer the world with a bad haircut and a worse attitude. His grand plan was to paint Europe in shades of swastika while obsessing over his vegetarian diet—because nothing says “world domination” like a plate of lightly steamed carrots.
In the end cheeky Adolf couldn’t handle a cold Russian winter or a decent art school rejection letter so ended up shooting himself in a bunker after urinating on Eva Braun one last time.
Despite this the fun-loving Führer still managed to guide his team to second place in WW2.
This award goes to the rider who failed but still ended up on the podium by default.
Winner: Pecco Bagnaia
If Bagnaia’s wet sprint race debacle was anything to go by then anyone believing the beard-clad Italian could ever manage a podium in the main race would be reserved for the people who rotate the square when playing Tetris. But that’s exactly what happened.
Pecco, sans micro-tank, was significantly faster on the dry track but not to the point where he ever looked a podium threat. Indeed the Italian was still unable to keep pace with Alex Marquez who had his injured hand welded to a carbon fibre ‘support’ bought from Temu with express shipping.
However a series of fortunate crashes from riders ahead saw Pecco elevated to third place so he could enjoy spending time on the podium with the brothers who have already ruined his legacy in just five months.
The Lederhosen Award
Nothing shouts “I love doing dubious stuff with sauerkraut and aren’t afraid to admit it” than wearing leather shorts that look like they were stitched by a drunken cobbler during a polka bender. Always too tight and often a tad-too revealing the Lederhosen clad Germans worryingly love to mingle into any crowd that has plenty of children hoping they’ll become mesmerised by any cosmetic appendages.
Celebrated in Germany yet would probably be banned in any other country.
This award goes to the rider who ended up looking ridiculous.
Winner: Lorenzo Savadori
This weekend was Lorenzo’s last ride on the factory Aprilia until Jorge ‘Mr Glass’ Martin re-injures himself. With this in mind it was important that the stand-in Italian could show his team exactly what he was worth. And sadly he did just that.
Despite being in his default ‘slowest rider except Chantra’ position Savadori found himself well into the points thanks to the exceptionally high attrition rate. Loads of riders were too injured to start and loads more had fallen off due to Bockwurst seepage leaking onto the track at turn one. This meant all Savadori needed to do was stay upright and collect a decent (for him) points haul.
Sadly the Aprilia rider screwed it up by falling off whilst riding slow and being under no pressure from any other rider. Worse still Lorenzo crashed on a corner that was under yellow flags meaning should he ever return for another race he’ll be handed a long lap penalty.
Great work.
The Efficiency Award
Germany’s obsession with efficiency is so hardcore that Spreadsheet Management is taught to Kindergarteners before their first mullet has even matured.
Travelling to the Sausagering? Forget dawdling to enjoy the scenic surrounding of the local industrial estate – a nanosecond’s delay is a crime against humanity, punishable by a stern glare and a perfectly timed ‘tch’. And the queues to get in? More like military drills where tardiness is treason, and every local has a secret fetish for color-coded planners.
This award goes to the rider who was brilliantly efficient.
Winner: Marc Marquez
Yes Marc won both races again. To save me time writing how he did it just read the review from last time. Or the one before that. Or even the one before that.
The Sun Gun Award
Behold the Nazis’ “Sun Gun,” the ultimate Third Reich pipe dream where they’d sling a kilometre-wide cosmic compact mirror into orbit, channelling the sun’s rays to toast the albino Brits like marshmallows at a particularly aggressive campfire. Concocted by Hermann Oberth, this 1940s fever dream was less “world domination” and more “world’s most impractical tanning salon.”
Predictably the Sun Gun never got off the ground, because apparently, launching a disco ball of death into space while dodging Allied bombs was a tad ambitious leaving the Nazis red-faced—not from sunburn, but from the sheer embarrassment of thinking they could outshine their own stupidity.
This award goes to the riders who left Germany red faced.
Winners: Fabio Di Giannantonio & Marco Bezzecchi
After impressive sprint races Giannantonio and Bezzecchi were the clear favourites to follow home the sinister smile of Marc Marquez in Germany. And Initially both Italians were doing just that with Marco in second and Fabio in third.
Sadly for Italy Bez fell off whilst in second place. Then, not wanting to be outdone by someone with a mullet, Digi fell off from the promoted second place.
These red-faced crashes ended up elevating the Antichrist’s brother to the podium and leaving Rossi fans so miserable that they now have an Amazon dash button for a rope at the ready.
