Winners
Alex Marquez
It’s hard to imagine how going from “title favourite” to “broken neck and not a title favourite” could ever realistically be classed as a win. But somehow, against all logic, it is. Bravo, universe.
The hideous crash — courtesy of KTM’s masterful USB-C-to-ECU disconnection skills — saw Marquez Lite career out of control at ridiculous speed towards a very solid-looking fence. Partly through luck, and partly through skill (mostly luck), Alex managed to avoid turning himself into another grim statistic.
Now, fun question for Liberty Media: what would have happened if this delightful demolition derby was on a street circuit? Asking for a friend who enjoys lawsuits.
Alex won that day. And so did we, I suppose. We wish him a speedy recovery — preferably before KTM finds more creative ways to launch their riders.
Fabio Di Giannantonio
Digibox, like Alex, was also lucky not to have become a statistic in Spain after Marquez’s front wheel decided to file for divorce mid-race. Getting clobbered at 150mph by that much flying shrapnel would usually mean the rest of your season is spent horizontal, being spoon-fed purée while contemplating your life choices. But somehow Fabio shrugged it off like it was a light breeze.
Oh… and then he went on to win the restarted race! What a gloriously chaotic weekend for the king of “didn’t die.”
Internet Comedians
You know those smooth-brained legends who yell “fancy washing mine next?” every time they see someone cleaning their car? Yeah, same geniuses who spam “that’ll buff out” under every wrecked vehicle photo. Given the glorious image of Alex’s bike achieving full spaghettification, they were practically tripping over themselves to be the first to drop this ancient zinger online — convinced they’d just invented comedy.
Winner… yet still a loser
Joan Mir
Despite half the field turning into human tumbleweeds and getting carted off injured, Joan Mir somehow stayed vertical. And on those rare occasions when the hot-mothered Spaniard isn’t auditioning for a gravel-based interpretive dance, he’s actually quite quick.
Step forward — without slipping on a carelessly discarded wet teacake — the crash-proof and suspiciously brilliant Joan Mir!
Mir gritted his teeth and delivered an amazing ride to delight the home fans, finishing second behind Digibox. Honestly, it was hard to tell what was more shocking: the result or the fact he remained upright longer than a Jenga tower in an earthquake.
Luckily this bizarre trip into the multiverse was swiftly cancelled when the FIM realised such a result might cause religions to collapse and cats to walk backwards around the room. So they did the sensible thing and slapped Mir with a 16-second penalty for the heinous crime of insufficient tyre pressure. Justice served.
Losers
Pedro Acosta
This was the super stoat’s golden chance to finally win his first MotoGP race. Pole position? Check. Aprilias self-destructing? Check. Marc Marquez getting shoulder superglue repairs? Check.
It was all going suspiciously well. At halfway, the marvellous mustelid was leading — with a very determined Alex Marquez breathing down his neck like a particularly motivated debt collector. We all know how that ended.
Afterwards, Acosta whined that the race shouldn’t have been restarted… conveniently ignoring that doing so would have made *him* the winner. He also somehow forgot the first red flag was thanks to *his own* bike exploding. Classic. Without that flag, the wordy weasel would’ve been watching from the garage anyway.
The race ended in typical Pedders fashion — getting unceremoniously punted off at the final corner by an over-eager Agura doing his best “never mention this again” Rossi-Lorenzo tribute.
Johan Zarco
After they’d swept up all 2.5 billion pieces of Alex’s bike, we got a restart. It lasted all of about three seconds before a horrific first-corner pile-up left poor Johan Zarco’s leg intimately entangled with Pecco Bagnaia’s machine as they cartwheeled through the gravel.
We can’t even joke about this one. It was just nasty. Get well soon, Johan — the bar for “worst weekend” is already sky-high.
Jorge Martin
Fell off in the sprint, then fell again on Sunday after tangling with Raul ‘soon to be sacked’ Fernandez. Zero points for Mr Glass on a weekend he should have seized the championship lead, especially with Bez sleepwalking through it.
How did the brittle Spaniard handle it? Blamed his pit crew and threw a tantrum in the garage like a toddler who dropped his ice cream. Truly peak class.
The photographer that sold the photo of Alex laying injured on the ground.
Twat.
