Valentino Rossi used to be one of the hottest sporting stars in the world, but is the Goatest Of All Time grazing on a downward slope? Will his favourite colour soon pass unlamented into history? Let’s examine the evidence:
Q: What’s Valentino Rossi up to these days?
A: He’s a World Endurance Championship car racer.
Q: And how’s that going for him?
A: Not great. Valentino’s BMW GT3 car was less than half way through the recent Le Mans 24 hour race when it conked out with a terminal electrical problem that left a team of professional mechanics completely baffled. (Sounds like a frigging Beemer, right enough). Hilariously, this was the 93rd running of the race. To add insult to injury, it was won by a bloke who’d had his arm chopped off and sewn back on.
Q: Yikes. But why was Vale poncing around in a BMW anyway? Shouldn’t he have been behind the wheel of something more cheaty and Italian?
A: BMW trades on past glories and now makes its money selling heaps of stylish, overpriced crap to a group of arrogant and unlikeable fanboys who are universally considered to be a bunch of complete tossers. How on earth Valentino Rossi managed to find common cause with BMW is a complete mystery.
Q: What about his MotoGP team?
A: It’s true that Valentino has licensed his name and race number to the MotoGP team which would otherwise be known as something like Ozempic Team Uccio. However, it’s only the 3rd best Ducati squad and Valentino never actually shows up. He’s present at the races in favourite colour rather than in body or spirit.
Q: But isn’t he grooming the next generation of stars at his Neverland Ranch?
A: That handcart has gone to hell, too. Pecco Bananas looks less impressive than his own scraggly beard compared to Public Enemy #93. Luca Marini’s future in the Endurance World Championship is now in doubt after he snapped his noodle testing an EWC bike at Suzuka. And Bez is the new Mav, having taken one victory that astonished him as much as the rest of us before returning to the comforting embrace of mid-pack mediocrity.
Q: Franky Morbidelli has done OK lately, though, hasn’t he?
A: Yes, but Rossi can’t take credit for that. While Franky’s body often resides at the Rossi Ranch, anyone listening to his spaced-out and incoherent interviews can be in no doubt that Franky’s brain is only an occasional visitor to this solar system. We knew that Rossi was supposed to be looking for the next Italian alien, but this is ridiculous.
Q: Do kids still want to be Valentino Rossi?
A: Nope. The recent Red Bull Rookies documentary showed that the cheeky little sharts all want to be Marc Marquez.
Q: How about books? Do people still buy Rossi books?
A: Unfortunately not. One journo, who asked to remain anonymous, revealed to MGPN that the rear sphincter has explosively blown out of the Rossi book business. He told us: “I used to churn out a dozen Rossi books a year and the f***ing Rossi Muppets lapped them all up. That’s gone to f*** now. I’ve had to find alternative celebrities to stick on the cover, like I did with my new book Hitlering Hitler: How Hitler got Hitlered by the 1978 Yamaha TZ350.”
Q: So have we passed Peak Rossi?
A: That’s for the public to decide. We at MGPN are strictly neutral on this matter.
