The MotoGP buffet visited the country of Hungry, so let’s do a rundown on who was hungry and who was up-chucking their dinner to minimize their calorie count.
Which legendarily hungry characters did riders resemble in the Hungry GP?
The Sarlacc Pit
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi introduced the Sarlacc. In the OG movie, it was a scary pit that digested people slowly. As C-3PO put it, “In its belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering, as you are slowly digested over a thousand years.”
The scariness was reduced somewhat when George Lucas vandalized the original trilogy with his Special Editions, where the Sarlacc Pit became inhabited by the carnivorous plant from Little Shop Of Horrors for some ungodly reason, but still. Who was the relentless, inescapable pit that dissolves its enemies in stomach acid over the course of a millennium?
Marc Marquez
The Spanish Antichrist returned from yet another career-ending arm injury to kick everybody’s asses in Hungry. He claimed that his arm was still falling off, so he might just manage a couple of crackers and maybe one vol-au-vent, but he then proceeded to stuff his face with an entire grid full of MotoGP riders. It was his 100th GP win in all categories, which only Ago and Vale have previously achieved. And he’s still hungry.
Cookie Monster
Everyone’s favourite Muppet is obviously Cookie Monster. He’s an incredibly loveable and enthusiastic guy, although maybe not the sharpest gear in the cassette. But he’s always got his eyes on the prize.
Jorge Martin
Cookie Monster doesn’t want a cookie. He wants ALL the cookies!!! There are crumbs, fragments and entire cookies flying around the place when he’s hungry!
And when Jorge Martin is heading into turn one of the race, he doesn’t want to overtake ONE rider. He wants to overtake ALL of the riders!!! Even though he’s in about 8th place and a sensible aim would be to get round turn 1 in 6th or maybe 5th.
But, no. Jorge decided to consume the entire field into turn 1. Along with his co-conspirators, “Crap Track Layout”, “Ice Rink Resurfaced Tarmac” and “F***ing Pole Squat Devices”, the smooth-brained Spaniard concocted a crash that scared everyone so badly that even the moronic MotoGP authorities have now agreed to ban pole squat devices from the British GP onwards.
The Human Centipede
This bat-guano insane horror movie concerns a Kraut surgeon who connects his victims into a human “centipede” of people with their digestive tracts joined together in one long line…
Jack Miller
The Aussie found himself at the head of a centipede of riders, each with their lips sewn tightly onto the rear hoop of the rider in front. After spending about half of the race in 4th place on a Yamaha that is just barely good enough for the top 14 on its good days, Jack dropped down to a still barely believable 8th place over the line.
Karen Carpenter
The chick from The Carpenters was strikingly beautiful, had an amazing singing voice and was a truly incredible drummer. But her mental health problems led to eating issues that did for her in the end.
Fabio Quartararararo
The moody Frog is universally acknowledged to be one of the best MotoGP riders in the world, right up there with Acosta and Marquez. But his brain has left the building. It’s tragic to see such a huge talent just giving up and being totally humiliated, especially in a race where Jackass Miller had such an amazing result on the half-baked Yam V4.
Hungry Hippos
Probably the best board game ever, Hungry Hungry Hippos are plastic hippopotami that ravenously eat every marble in sight.
Ai Ogura
The quiet Japanese is always rubbish all weekend, right up until halfway through the feature race. Then he suddenly starts chomping at every rider in front of him, snaffling place after place as if someone is frantically slapping a lever on his backside. If this kid could qualify, he’d be in the top 3 of the championship.
Chris McCandless
The movie “Into The Wild” was made about this imbecile, who starved to death in Alaska despite being surrounded by a whole larder of natural food and being within easy reach of help.
Frankie Morbidelli
It would be wrong to describe Frankie as one of the most naturally spaced-out people on Planet Earth, as he seems to spend most of his time on the Planet Zog. Frankie is a very cool and loveable guy, and hugely talented to boot, but 90% of the time he rides as if he was a replacement rider unexpectedly promoted from Italian Superstock on 20 minutes notice. In the Hungry GP, he incredibly managed to finish behind his team-mate Fabio Digibox, who had been rammed off his bike in turn 1 by Jorge Martin and lost at least 30 seconds remounting.
