The Eternal Romantic Award
Italian men will always tell their woman that she’s the only woman in the world… right after he’s passionately kissed his mother for ten minutes, telling her that she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.
Grand gestures, zero follow-through, and cliché words like “bella” thrown around like confetti.
This award goes to the rider with the most romantic performance.
Winner: Marco Bezzecchi
Despite his weekend espressos never quite kicking in until Saturday evening, the Italian championship leader was the mulleted maestro of Mugello. His win also stopped the rot of his brittle teammate, Jorge ‘Mr Glass’ Martin, clawing back any more championship points. Looks like it’s game on for the championship.
The Hand Orchestra Conductor Award
Why use words when you can use fluent Italian sign language? A simple “this pasta sauce is not as rich as my Nona’s” requires enough arm movements to land a light aircraft on a windy morning.
This award goes to the rider who was flapping the most.
Winner: Pecco Bagnaia
A strangely strong weekend for Baggers… okay, not that strange actually, given the Italian’s home-track advantage, but it was still odd to see him lead a race. These days a ‘strong weekend’ is anything that doesn’t involve Pecco staring at his mangled bike with dead eyes.
Despite leading the race, a podium was still the main aim — and it looked feasible until Ai Ogura (whose turn it was to ride the team’s only fast bike) started clawing back seconds on Bagnaia in the final laps. Suddenly Pecco’s calmness was replaced with a lot of flapping as the worried fans looked on.
A lunge into the final corner by Ai (which this time didn’t result in Acosta being hurled into the scenery) saw the Japanese rider momentarily take the final podium spot, only to run wide and allow Bagnaia and his twitching balloon knot to limp home in third.
The Drama King Award
A delayed train is a national tragedy. His ex texting him is “una catastrofe.” Forgetting the basil in the pasta sauce? Might as well call the Carabinieri.
This award goes to the biggest girl’s blouse.
Winner: Fabio Quartarararararo
Fabio’s been pretty French this season — moaning, sulking around, and blaming others for his misery and questionable odour. However, in Mugello the once-popular Frenchman took it to a new level by admitting that he ‘couldn’t be arsed’ given how much he hates Yamaha. But he could, conveniently, ‘be arsed’ to collect his massive pay cheque from Yamaha.
Quartarararararo completed his weekend by ignoring journalists and generally being as popular as a mime artist at a loud Italian wedding.
The Mama’s Boy Supreme Award
35 years old, lives at home, has a better relationship with his mother than with any girlfriend. She still cuts the crust off his sandwiches and he’ll cancel plans with you if “mamma needs help with the sauce.”
This award goes to the rider who’s old enough to know better.
Winner: Cal Crutchlow
Crutches, who for some reason has accidentally blocked us on X, turned up as Zarco’s replacement in Mugello. Currently the crash-happy Englishman has so much metal holding his skeleton together that medically he’s classed as ‘a bridge’, but thankfully he wasn’t going to let that stop him turning up and having a blast.
Crutchlow was off the pace all weekend, but who cares? Given a chance to ride a MotoGP bike around Mugello is something us mere mortals will always be jealous of.
The Walking Garlic Bread Award
Smells like a delicious mix of cologne, espresso, and whatever Nonna cooked that day. You’ll never be hungry around an Italian, but you might need to air out your clothes afterward.
This award goes to the rider whose performance stunk a little.
Winner: Marc Marquez
This may come across as slightly harsh. But the problem is that Marquez has a habit of doing the impossible. And now if he doesn’t, he’s failed.
Marc turned up to Mugello fresh from surgery, having had his foot bashed back into alignment and his arm sewn back on. No one expected him to win… yet, in a sort of quantum superposition effect, everyone also did.
The Spanish Antichrist managed a fair set of results to help keep his meagre championship hopes alive. But they weren’t special enough to be normal… so they stunk a bit.
The “Bella Figura” Overcompensation Award
It doesn’t matter if you’re slow, crashing, or riding like a bag of spanners — as long as you look good doing it. Hair perfect, leathers tight, helmet off with the million-lira stare. Style over substance is a way of life.
This award goes to the rider who brought the most fashion but the least pace.
Winner: Franco Morbidelli
Franky looked immaculate all weekend, as if he’d just stepped off a Milan runway instead of a MotoGP grid. Shame the bike didn’t get the same level of care. He spent most of the race being overtaken by people he used to beat, yet still found time to fix his hair in every mirror he passed.
