MotoGP visited the land of The Donald (and also The Mickey and The Pluto) for the rootin’ tootin’ United States GP at the Circuit Of The Americas (formerly known as the Circuit Of The Mexicos). The track changes from year to year due to subsidence so bad that it has turned the trackside railway into a roller coaster. But at least there weren’t any bomb craters on the main straight.
How did the MotoGP riders fare in the land of double digit cholesterol levels? Who were the good old Supersized Quadruple Cheeseburgers, and who were the dang communist heathen Green Salads? Let’s find out!
Supersized Cheeseburgers
These winners were the artery-clogging stars of the race weekend, served in the old-style Styrofoam containers.
Aprilia
Until recently, the likeable Italian factory has never enjoyed great success in the senior class, but now they have dropped the Mother Of All Bikes on the Axles of Evil (Ducati) and left Gigi Bin Lasagne on the run.
Rating: 🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔
Bez
The Italian clearly felt at home in Austin, Texas. (Rumour has it that he was offered at least 3 Country and Western recording contacts on the strength of his mullet alone). Bez is shining as brightly as a burning Iranian oil refinery right now, even if he does keep heading off for an early risotto during sprint races.
Rating: 🍔🍔🍔🍔
Jorge Martin
The Spaniard is conducting a stealth bombing raid on the World Championship standings. The truly incredible thing about his run of results this year is that he hasn’t hurt himself at all, even during his hilarious crash on the slowdown lap after winning the sprint.
Rating: 🍔🍔🍔🍔
Pedro Acosta
Defying the Orange Bike Bad naysayers, the Stoat secured two podiums, but was robbed of one due to his undocumented front tyre pressure. It was fitting that he chose Texas to equal Colin Edwards’ world record of 12 podiums without a MotoGP victory. This must come as some comfort, given that Acosta had previously failed to beat Randy Mamola’s still standing record of youngest ever podium finisher in the top class.
Rating: 🍔🍔🍔
Ai Ogura
Magnificently clad in the stars ‘n’ stripes for Trackhouse Team MAGA’s home race, Ai was like a Tomahawk cruise missile heading towards the podium. Unfortunately, a mechanical failure Made Aprilia Gutted Again.
Rating: 🍔🍔🍔
Week Old Unrefrigerated Salads
These losers were as limp as a European nation’s defence capabilities.
Frankie Morbidelli
The Brazilio-Italianian’s head is filled with as many rocks as an Iranian command bunker on day 2 of a war. His MotoGP career is on very thin ICE.
Rating: 🥬🥬🥬🥬🥬
Yamaha
Toprak won the U.S. round of the Yamaha V4 FIM Cup, and was rewarded with a single World Championship point. Fabio Q was as absent as the smell of soap and deodorant at a No Kings rally, while Jack Miller and Alex Rins should’ve been relegated to the Baggers race. The blue Japanese factory’s sushi is so limp and malodorous that even the local cat food factory wouldn’t touch it.
Rating: 🥬🥬🥬🥬🥬
Ducati
Like a state of the art air defence system bought from the Chinese and Rooskis, the 2026 Ducati is shiny, expensive and easily defeated. The team’s senior attack chihuahua Davide Tardozzi hasn’t looked this furious since the 2004 World Superbike title was won by James Toseland instead of his likeable and charismatic Ducati team-mate Regis Laconi.
Rating: 🥬🥬🥬🥬
Joan Mir
The Spanish one-way attack drone managed to self-deport from both races. He has shown a turn of speed, but his trophy cabinet is as empty as a Texas construction site when word goes round that the Feds are about to show up and start checking ID’s.
Rating: 🥬🥬🥬🥬
Pecco Bananas
Another dismal weekend for the Italian and his sister. However, he seems to have a Trump card up his sleeve: apparently he has signed for 2 + 2 years with Aprilia. (Initially Aprilia approached Jack Miller, but when they offered him a 2 + 2 year contract, the Aussie said “No way, mate! I ain’t signing a bloody 5 month deal!!!”)
Rating: 🥬🥬🥬
Marc Marquez
The Spanish antichrist started the weekend with a crash. Then in the Sprint he launched an overtake on another Ducati with all the skill of a Kuwaiti fighter pilot, which forced his stablemate Fabio Digibox to parachute into the surrounding desert. This resulted in Marc being ordered to go The Long Way Round in the main race, leaving him as anonymous as that posh guy who isn’t Ewan McGregor.
Rating: 🥬🥬
Maverick Vinales
Couldn’t race as he had a screw loose. For a change.
Rating: 🥬
Conclusion
It was a bunker buster of a MotoGP race weekend. Unfortunately, there will be a long delay until the next round, as it turns out that Qatar had already been double-booked for other activities.
