The Clogs Award
Designing footwear that doesn’t bend, is attacked by woodworm, lacks any grip and makes the annoying noise of a horse on cobblestones doesn’t seem like a potential success story. But Holland had other ideas. Step, painfully, forward ‘clogs’.
The willow carved shoes are perfect for channelling your inner 17th-century Dutch farmer vibe whilst condemning your feet to a miserable life of bunions and plantar fasciitis.
This award goes to the rider who was wooden but somehow successful.
Winner: Marc Marquez
Okay so Marc won. Again. But in Holland the tulips were slightly wilted as the Spanish Antichrist really struggled to fend off his rivals. There was no domination here just determination.
Practice saw Marquez take two nasty falls which cut up his face and bashed his big rocks with more big rocks. The haters had their fingers crossed but sadly for them Marc ground out two more victories.
The Little Dutch Boy and the Dike Award
This famous story sees Pete, a little Dutch loser, stick his finger in a hole he spots in the Dike to stop the local town from flooding. Eventually, as the hole became bigger, Pete ends up having to stick his hand, then fist, then head into the hole to stop the watery onslaught.
It’s a classic tale of bravery and selfishness which was somewhat dampened when it was suggested that the ‘Dike’ could have actually been a ‘Dyke’. Which makes it a completely different story.
This award goes to a conspiracy in Holland that didn’t hold water
Winner: The ‘Alex Marquez isn’t trying’ conspiracy.
With less and less wiggle room for Marc Marquez haters to point the finger of cheating accusation at him the shift of focus has moved to his poor brother Alex. Having finished second again to his older sibling in the sprint race Marquez Lite was accused of ‘never attacking Marc’.
This, as any modestly educated follower of MotoGP could have explained was nonsense, was been spouted by people more stupid than anyone who actually purchases WinRAR.
Yes Alex was faster than Marc. But only on sections of the Assen circuit where it was impossible to pass as it was too fast and with a narrow racing line. Marquez Lite knew that a pass here would probably end in a serious crash for both of them. But this didn’t stop the internet becoming awash with the ‘Alex is just Marc’s wingman’ conspiracies.
This epic stupidity wasn’t just confined to the bitter yellow brigade though. One journalist (used in the very loosest sense of the word) felt the need to cry cholesterol tears claiming it was cheating. I could put a chimp in a tyre and roll him down 30 flights of stairs and he would still get out and write something smarter than that drivel.
Luckily Sunday arrived. And the exact same thing happened again, only with Marco Bezzecchi following the championship leader. Marco might not hate Marc as much these days since he’s left the toxic ‘Far Yellow’ team but he had absolutely no reason not to try to win. The Italian was easily fast enough but again, like with Alex, couldn’t land the crucial blow on the AntiChrist due to being faster than the leader in areas of the track where passing was impossible.
The morons were left looking stupid. And, as a final blow, Marc Marquez himself called out the stupidity afterwards:
🗣️@marcmarquez93 being very clear on this issue #DutchGP 🇳🇱 pic.twitter.com/JvS7wZkzbW
— MotoGP™🏁 (@MotoGP) June 29, 2025
The Average Height Award
The Dutch are the tallest nation in Europe. The Darwin evolutionary fact is due to the children of the Netherlands wanting to be tall enough to peer into the window of the local brothel to see what’s going on whilst hopefully not spotting a family member.
This award goes to the rider who was head and shoulders above the rest.
Winner: No one
This award usually goes to Marc Marquez. But as stated above it was a different kind of weekend.
This should have allowed for his rivals to take charge and show up the Spaniard. But it didn’t happen.
The Used Syringe Award
One humorous side-effect of Holland’s liberal drug laws is that there are plenty more chronic addicts stumbling around Amsterdam waiting for their leg to be amputated. Unbelievably some of these upstanding dropouts forget to dispose of their used group syringes responsibly. Tut-tut.
This award goes to the rider that was terrible and had a point.
Winner: Somkiat Chantra
Somkiat deserves to be a MotoGP rider in the same way Harold Shipman deserves to be a shop assistant at Help the Aged.
The Thai Rider, who looks oriental enough for Honda to fulfil their strict ‘local rider’ quota, finished the Dutch TT a mere 49.2 seconds behind the race winner. This means that Marquez could have used the long lap penalty route every lap and still beaten the hopeless Chantra.
But God loves a trier. And, thanks to more crashes than Windows Vista, the token Thai was rewarded with a ‘finishing award’ of one point.
The Dutch Food Award
What’s Dutch food you ask? And the fact you’re asking that means it must be terrible. ‘Let’s go out for a Dutch meal’ is something that, according to standard computational intelligence, has never been said by anyone ever. And for good reason.
This award goes to the rider who suffered badly in Holland.
Winner: Alex Marquez
Unfortunately for Ralf Schumarquez a freak collision with the stoat Pedro Acosta saw him fall from the main race and break his wrist. Bad for him and bad for us as it looks like the championship is now all but over. Especially given Pecco’s phobia of small fuel tanks (MicroTankaphobia).
The Bad Trip Award
Drugs are great right up until the point that they’re not. Then they’re horrific.
This award goes to the rider who had a really bad Assen experience.
Winner: Jorge Martin
The brittle-boned champion may be still skiving work but his Dutch TT trip turned worse than he could have ever feared causing him probably to ‘throw a whitey’.
Why? Let’s find out:
- Aprilia, the manufacturer Martin’s punched in the ovaries by leaving, were clearly the fastest none-cheating-Ducati manufacturer on the grid.
- Honda, the manufacturer Martin’s planning to slime his way off to, were awful. HRC of old.
- Aprilia, the manufacturer Martin’s punched up the bracket, have calmly stated they’re willing to take the oily Spaniard to court for his breach of contract shenanigans.
- Carmelo Ezpeleta, the boss of MotoGP who probably knows a few people that can make other people ‘disappear’, has warned Martin that unless he gets his house in order he’ll not accept him in the 2026 championship.
Where does Jorge go from here? Who knows, but it’s going to be fun finding out.
