The apparatchiks of the EUSSR have meekly surrendered to the USA yet again and allowed an American takeover of MotoGP. But what does that mean for us fans? Let’s investigate the changes that the new Yank owners are likely to introduce to the elite motorcycle racing championship.
Make America Great Again
It’s a disgrace that there’s only 1 MotoGP round in America, but approximately 50 in Europe including several dozen in Spain alone. The new Yank owners will balance things up by re-shoring MotoGP race production to the lower 48 where it belongs. We can expect to see far fewer races in foreign climes and far more American rounds, including at least 8 in Texas.
Build a Wall
Down the middle of every pit garage. Nobody wants to watch a sport where everybody gets along just fine. Top sportsmen should hate each other. The best way to achieve this is to isolate them by building a wall down every garage, just like happened during the hugely entertaining rivalry between Valentino Rossi and Jorge Lorenzo. That should make for top-drawer reality TV.
Round ‘Em Up
Rossi Muppets will be delighted to hear that the Yanks will want to round up and deport all of the Spanish speakers in MotoGP. These guys are taking seats from far more deserving Americans like, well, you know… That one guy. And there must be plenty more where he came from. Stateside, that is. They’ll probably start with those dang Marquez brothers, I’m danged if they’ll be able to produce a Green Card when the new rent-a-cop American security contractors demand it.
Throw Out The Yellows
Not so good for the Rossi Muppets, this one. America has decided that its main enemy is now yellow. Everyone who invades a racetrack wearing Rossi merchandise will be arrested and jailed on trumped-up charges. The only acceptable use of yellow is when a NASCAR race is getting a bit procedural and the race director decides to throw a full-course yellow for “safety reasons” and to give the average 350lb NASCAR fan time to waddle off to the concession stand and buy another 4 or 5 quintuple cheeseburgers.
Bombard the Middle East
With more race venues. It’s well known that the Middle East is a great place for MotoGP as it features the very best racetracks that Bangladeshi slave labourers can construct. This is why the new Yank owners will carpet bomb the whole area. With MotoGP rounds. On oval racetracks, with a limp, European-style wiggly track added to the infield as an afterthought, like they did with the magnificent Indianapolis Motor Speedway. (It’s no Daytona, but those damned Yankees did their best.) Each round will also feature a flyover from several B2 bombers, just to remind everyone who’s the Big Dawg in this world.
Do a Big, Beautiful Deal
The current MotoGP regime is leaving a lot of money on the table. For instance, British fans who want to watch the highest form of motorcycle racing are parting with a piddling £31 per month to watch MotoGP (of which £29.99 goes to paying for dismal, 3rd-rate soccer matches). Subscribing to a MotoGP Videopass reduces that to more like £25 per month. This is ridiculous. The new Yank owners should immediately increase these prices to U.S. cable TV levels of at least £150 per month. First of all, the new Yank owners will demand £18,000 per month, then the whining Limeys will be overjoyed to accept a perfectly reasonable £150. America has been subsidizing these bloodsucking foreigners for far too long.
Conclusion
I, for one, welcome our new American overlords.
